Hello, hello, and welcome back. I really needed to sit down and start recording this because I was so sucked into Formula One drama. I just spent way too much time down the rabbit holes. There is no other sport that exists that has as much drama, I swear, that Formula One does. I think it’s just because it is such like a Small amount of people.

For those of you who don’t know anything about racing cars in Formula 1, there are 10 teams and 20 drivers. And then there’s team principals on each of the team who are kind of like, they run the show of the team, but they’re not the CEO unless you’re Toto Wolf, but that’s a different discussion. Um. And so I think just because there’s such a small amount of people and then people are, like, swapping people, drivers are going to different teams, it’s just like, it’s so, there’s so much drama.

Um, but anyway, I don’t need to get into that. I’m sure, I am sure not a ton of you who are listening to this are Formula One fans, or maybe, maybe my car girls are out there. I’m a car girl. I was about to say, like, I’m a closeted car girl, but it’s not really closeted. I just don’t talk about it that much, but I’ve been, I’ve been interested in cars pretty much my entire life.

You can thank my dad for that. Um, but yeah, we’re, we’re pulling for a Lando Norris. world champion here, but I don’t think that’s going to happen because Max Verstappen is Max Verstappen. Again, those of you who are like, what are you even talking about, Kasey? However, also, this episode is airing at the end of January and it is currently mid November.

So, for those of you that are F1 fans, you’re like, well, we already know the answer to this. But, I’m currently recording this in the past, so. Anywho, anywho, here we are to talk about something very, very different than motorsport. And that is the difference between little tiny words and how it’s never really just semantics when it comes to psychology and behavior change and mindset.

The words that you use really really freaking matter and sometimes it is the tiniest little word that can make a really big difference. Today we’re talking about the difference between don’t and can’t and then the difference between and And how actually using those words are not just like simple, simple words to interchange, but can actually make a really big difference in the meaning and also then your actions that follow them.

So there’s a, there’s one research study that I’m using to kind of support some of this. When it comes to. Okay, let me back up. We’re going to talk about don’t versus can’t, and there’s actually some research that supports that. When it comes to the difference between and and but, we’re kind of just talking about cognitive flexibility and your, your ability to see two truths to exist in the same space.

And all of this is going to make sense once I get into it. So let’s start with the difference between don’t and can’t. Again, it seems like Those words could be pretty interchangeable, but researchers really do hypothesize that they ultimately represent two very different things. And although don’t and can’t, like, I can’t do this, I don’t do that, are essentially two just different types of refusal.

So, they, uh, They differ in terms of what they mean when it comes to your commitment and your attitude towards whatever goal or thing that you’re working towards and also what you’re refusing in that moment, right? So when you say that you can’t do something, it sort of gives off this vibe of I’m not allowed to.

Like, typically, I would want to, but I can’t because I’m not allowed. So, for instance, if you have clients, or maybe this is yourself, you’re saying, I, I can’t have dessert, or I can’t have another drink. It kind of comes off as your, your personal desires are being thwarted, and you just have to do something else.

So it feels like a lack of control, and something, external to you is keeping you from doing the thing that you typically would want to do. So it’s this lack of control and instead an external locus of control telling you what you can’t do. So when we feel like we have a lack of personal control or our personal desires aren’t being considered in a situation, that can lead to overall just lack of self control and lack of motivation and That is often linked back to something called, it’s a concept in psychology, called psychological reactance.

For any of you that might have children, or you know, you probably feel this way yourself too, when someone tells you that you have to do something and you don’t really want to do it, it’s gonna make you want to do it less, right? And I say with children because that is, is very often, if you tell your child to cle I’m not a mom.

So this is me making an assumption, but you tell your, I’ve, I’ve been a child at one point in my life, so I know what this feels like. Um, you tell your child that they have to clean their room, they have to clean their room. That’s very different than if they make the decision to clean their room because of, for some other personal reason, right?

Maybe they learned from one of their friends or family members that they, like, look up to that that person likes to keep neat and tidy because it makes them feel the best and that they, like, operate better in their day to day, and now your kid is like, Oh, well, so and so keeps their room clean for these reasons, so I want to keep my room clean for those reasons, too.

They’re so much more likely to do it, right? Versus, like, you just have to do this thing. Um, so with that said. When we’re using the word can’t, when your clients are using the word can’t, and they’re in situations that they’re having a hard time. Maintaining self control and sticking to the plan, whatever, it’s going to be a lot harder to do so because it feels like it’s coming from this place of external control and it’s thwarting their own personal desires.

Versus when you say that you don’t do something, that gives off more of a feeling of firm attitude rather than like a temporary, I’m just not allowed to do this. If you say, I. I don’t have more than one drink in an evening versus I can’t have more than one drink in an evening. Can you already just feel the difference in sort of this, like, the sense of empowerment and control over the situation?

Like, oh, I can’t have that versus no, I just don’t. It’s a much more firm attitude about something and it’s so much more empowering. It’s more your choice. It’s more about you having control and serves as sort of like an affirmation of your own willpower regarding your own choice. So you are affirming to yourself that this is something that I just don’t do.

And again, more powerful. It’s coming from a place. within versus external to you and can make a really big difference. And those feelings of control and empowerment are what can then lead to more motivation, more self control because of a concept that I talk about all the time on the podcast is autonomy.

If you feel like you’re making your own autonomous decisions and your decisions are self determined, a lot of this is coming from something called Self determination theory in psychology. You are more likely to stick with things, especially in the long term. If you feel autonomous, if you feel self determined, things are in your control, you’re making the choices.

So using the word, I don’t do something in this situation versus I can’t, actually can support autonomy and self determined behaviors, which makes you more motivated and sticking to things in the long term. Right? And all, all of this is just predetermined based on these two tiny little words, don’t Versus can’t and it told you that there was a study to support this so 30 women in this study participated in a health and wellness program and their adherence was tracked over the course of 10 days and there is a graph I will show you it’s like when you look at the graph you’re like damn that is a significant difference and it really is and granted this is one study on 30 people right so like we’ll take that into account but it is pretty crazy when I saw this study I was like Damn, I need to make an Instagram post on that.

I need to make a podcast on that. I need to tell the world about this. So I do have an Instagram post on this as well as the And vs. But which we’re about to talk about and I’m going to link that in the show notes. So if you want a quick like once over of everything that I talked about today, those are in Instagram post fashion linked in the show notes.

And I also want to throw up the graph. Isaiah, if you could please do me the favor of throwing up the graph on the screen for all of our YouTube listeners so you can see the graph that I’m talking about. The difference. Of those women who use the word I can’t versus the women who use the word I don’t, those that said I don’t were significantly more likely to stick to this health and fitness program.

And again, the graph shows, like it is just, it’s just so obvious when you look at it. Um, and that’s, that’s crazy to me. That one word can make such a difference, but at the same time, when I just walked you guys through all of the reasons as to why it does make a difference, you know, again, talking about like internal versus external locus of control, supporting or not supporting autonomy and self determined behaviors, feeling like your desires are either being supported or thwarted, All in the word, don’t versus can’t.

Crazy, right? Crazy, but like, makes a lot of sense psychologically. So. And! And can’t forget this part. It’s not surprising that I can’t is basically like, if there was a phrase that could be the mascot of a fixed mindset, it would be, I can’t. So if you’re going out there saying like, I can’t do this, I can’t do that.

It’s very indicative of a fixed mindset, too, right? So, again, just kind of coming back to, like, I don’t have control over my own destiny, my own situation, my circumstances. And that doesn’t feel great and is not super supportive when it comes to motivation and long term change. All right, our next two little words that come into question are and versus but.

So, when we use the word but, We tend to place our focus on the last half of the statement and sort of discount or honestly just dismiss the first half of the statement. So if I’m saying something like, I value my independence, but I would really like to find a life partner. What we’re doing is kind of putting the focus on the life partner, and okay, well, if I have this life partner, I really want this life partner, that means that the values that I hold for my independence can’t still be considered because of the but.

Right? On the flip side, if I were to say, I really value my independence and I want a life partner. Can you see the difference in how adding the but creates this sort of rigid situation and rigid reality where independence and life partner cannot exist in the same space? Whereas if I’m using the word and, now suddenly it’s I I value my independence, and I also want a person in my life, and I want a partner in my life.

And those can exist in the same space. So, when we use the word and, both halves of the statement feel like they can be true at the same time. So that’s more Indicative of cognitive flexibility, a better example of cognitive flexibility, rather, versus cognitive rigidity being only one truth like can exist in that space.

And in the case of my example, that one truth would be I value my independence. And then people wonder why they struggle when they’re thinking that way, right? Because it’s a very rigid way of thinking and it’s really not. It’s not just the words, right? Yes, the words matter and the words are, the words matter because of the meaning that end up getting assigned to the phrase or how you’re thinking about something because of the word.

Like the word but or and itself is not that powerful. It’s the meaning that gets assigned and how that phrase gets crafted because of those things. Same thing with don’t versus can’t. So as.

We like to try to keep things super clean, simple, and clear cut, so rather than considering that there could be two truths to exist at once, we want to find the one truth that exists, right? And, uh, Ultimately that can limit our thoughts and our functioning and the way that we see things and lead to cognitive rigidity.

Also I’m saying these words cognitive flexibility, cognitive rigidity, I have an entire episode talking about this as well and I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes for you guys. Just the idea of cognitive flexibility and why it’s important and how to essentially get out of more rigid thinking.

And this is an example of why we don’t want to be thinking super rigid. Rigidly, because the reality is just because two things seem to be contradictory does not mean they can exist in the same space. I’m gonna say that again because I feel like that that’s important. Just because two things seem like they contradict each other does not mean they can’t both exist at the same time in the same space.

So going back to my previous example, I value my independence, but I want to find a life partner. I value my independence and I want to find a life partner. It can feel contradictory that I enjoy being alone, I love being alone, but I want to find a person to spend all my time with, right? That doesn’t mean those things can’t exist in the same space.

And the more we can think flexibly and also, like, encourage our clients to do the same if you’re a health and fitness coach or you work with people in general, just the more options and opportunities we have in our life. And you can think, like, not me always bringing things back to dating, but that was also the example that I chose to use, so.

If you’re someone who’s looking to find your person, you’re looking for your soulmate, Your life partner and you’re thinking to yourself, well, the more time that I’m single, the more I enjoy being by myself. And, but, but I also really want a person at the same time. Like, why can’t you have both? Like, it’s going to be very hard for you to find your person, I’m, I’m no dating and relationship coach by the way, but just as an example, it’s going to be hard for you to get what you want if you don’t think you can continue to have what you currently have while also having that other thing.

So the same thing can go for health and fitness, right? We’re talking about health and fitness coaching. Working with our clients, I really want to go out with my friends and have a good time and have drinks, but I also want to lose weight. Honey, you can have both, right? It, it may not look the exact same, but there’s an and that should be dropped in between those phrases.

And both can exist. So, helping our clients. And honestly, like, the goal that we should have is to help our clients become more cognitively, psychologically flexible to be able to see and fully embrace and experience all of the messiness that can be our lives. Like, it doesn’t have to be this clear cut again as much as we want to as human beings make things easy and clear and simple.

It’s really not. And guess what? That means you get to have it all. So, it’s really good news. So, with that said, you can experience it all and you can have it all. You can also be afraid and worried and nervous about something. And do it anyway. The number of times I hear coaches talking about, Oh, I want to invest in my business, but I’m worried I will fail.

Or I’m, I’m worried it’s not going to work, it’s going to be a waste of time. Did you know you can have both those things happening to you at the same time? You can invest in your business and be scared you’re going to fail at the same time. The only thing that’s going to actually guarantee that you will fail is by not trying, not investing, not putting the time forth because you’re worried about failing.

That’s just like, when I say that, I’m just like, isn’t that wild? We’re so worried we’re going to fail at something so we don’t do the things that are actually going to be more likely to help us succeed. What? Come on, our silly little human brains. Let me tell you. Okay, so what does all of this mean for you, for your clients, for the work that you do, for your own personal growth?

The words that you use matter. And I would really, really challenge you to just like go about your day going forward and think about how often you’re using the word I can’t instead of I don’t, and when you do use I can’t, maybe just go back into your head and replay it and add in don’t instead and see how that feels differently.

And the same thing goes for and and but. So the next time you’re saying, ah, I want to do this but this other thing, go back in, replay, swap it out, throw an and in the middle there, and see how that feels instead, and remind yourself that you can Both things can exist at the same time, even if they feel contradictory.

I would also encourage you to really, really think, for those of you that are health and fitness coaches, or just coaches in general, working with other people, and again, we can go back to like the parenting thing, like thinking about your kids when they are using these words, and maybe help them reframe and try a different word instead, and then ask, ask, how does it feel differently to use and instead of but?

How does it feel differently to say don’t instead of can’t? And really have them sit with that and sit with the fact that it’s really not semantics and that words are really powerful. Okay, my friends. That is all I have for you. I hope that this was helpful, fun to listen to. I’m sorry I talked about Formula One for the first five minutes, but, you know.

People say they want to learn more about me as a person and get more personal stories, so There you go. There you have it. They’re like, that’s not really what I care about, which I understand. However, if you do care about it, please slide into my DMs. I can always use more car friends, motorsport friends.

So, hit me up, girl. Hit me up. Okay. Thank you so much. I appreciate you being here, as always, and I’ll see you next time.